Something Wicked This Way Comes

I'm in the middle of doing about six things right now, my room seriously looks like a tornado tore through it, so it's the perfect time to blog, right? The chaos around me is mimicking what's been going on in my head for the past few weeks.

I'm very scatter-brained. But right now I'll take this over last week. The 7 day on, 7 day off schedule seems great for most, but I've really been struggling on my off weeks. My brain knows it doesn't technically have to do anything, so I don't do anything. When I'm not being kept busy, my depression tends to surface. I've been super on top of it the last few years and have only had small episodes, usually having to do with my mom. (Like that dream.)

With this new schedule, I have an abundance of free time, which should be great, giving me plenty of time to read or knit while I listen to an audiobook. (I sound like a grandma, I know). I just can't get myself to do it. The thought of picking up a book is daunting and I just stare at my loom for minutes on end. Like maybe if I look at it, the yarn will knit itself into a blanket. I've also started shrinking back from my family and secluding myself in my room. I'll sleep in the early evening and stay up until 3 or 4 in the morning when my depression gets really bad. I think that's the hardest thing for me in all of this. Staying up late is in my blood, my mom did it, my grandma does it. It's usually a solace for me to just let my thoughts out to the night. Nothing can be too bad for the dark. At least that's what I thought before. Now, I get a little nervous some times.

I feel like the important thing is that I noticed it. I was able to feel the change as soon as it started taking place and it already had a name. I knew exactly what was going on. The goal now is to find ways to combat the issue, other than having to be on medication. My dad suggested just keeping busy and having my day be structured, but I can make all the plans in the world, even doing research, and never come close to doing it, just because I don't have to.

I'm putting away laundry, packing up my colder clothes to make room for summer clothes, randomly decided to put together a wire rack and now trying to organize stuff on it, cleaning out under my bed and vacuuming. I've done a little bit of each thing before I sat down to write. I even stopped writing after the first paragraph to get food before returning to my mess hole. At this point, I'm just so glad I was able to get myself to even do part of something that I'm trying to give myself a break and not let the chaos overwhelm me. But it's getting pretty close to, so I should probably get off my butt and force myself to finish everything so I can get a peaceful night of sleep!