Something Wicked This Way Comes

I'm in the middle of doing about six things right now, my room seriously looks like a tornado tore through it, so it's the perfect time to blog, right? The chaos around me is mimicking what's been going on in my head for the past few weeks.

I'm very scatter-brained. But right now I'll take this over last week. The 7 day on, 7 day off schedule seems great for most, but I've really been struggling on my off weeks. My brain knows it doesn't technically have to do anything, so I don't do anything. When I'm not being kept busy, my depression tends to surface. I've been super on top of it the last few years and have only had small episodes, usually having to do with my mom. (Like that dream.)

With this new schedule, I have an abundance of free time, which should be great, giving me plenty of time to read or knit while I listen to an audiobook. (I sound like a grandma, I know). I just can't get myself to do it. The thought of picking up a book is daunting and I just stare at my loom for minutes on end. Like maybe if I look at it, the yarn will knit itself into a blanket. I've also started shrinking back from my family and secluding myself in my room. I'll sleep in the early evening and stay up until 3 or 4 in the morning when my depression gets really bad. I think that's the hardest thing for me in all of this. Staying up late is in my blood, my mom did it, my grandma does it. It's usually a solace for me to just let my thoughts out to the night. Nothing can be too bad for the dark. At least that's what I thought before. Now, I get a little nervous some times.

I feel like the important thing is that I noticed it. I was able to feel the change as soon as it started taking place and it already had a name. I knew exactly what was going on. The goal now is to find ways to combat the issue, other than having to be on medication. My dad suggested just keeping busy and having my day be structured, but I can make all the plans in the world, even doing research, and never come close to doing it, just because I don't have to.

I'm putting away laundry, packing up my colder clothes to make room for summer clothes, randomly decided to put together a wire rack and now trying to organize stuff on it, cleaning out under my bed and vacuuming. I've done a little bit of each thing before I sat down to write. I even stopped writing after the first paragraph to get food before returning to my mess hole. At this point, I'm just so glad I was able to get myself to even do part of something that I'm trying to give myself a break and not let the chaos overwhelm me. But it's getting pretty close to, so I should probably get off my butt and force myself to finish everything so I can get a peaceful night of sleep!

I got out of a car, all my stuff in my arms, after a long day at work. Uncle Tim got the door for me, I guess he was visiting. I went in to a busy living room. People were bustling about while a Christmas tree was being decorated.
"It's not even Thanksgiving yet, why do we have a tree up?" I asked as I walked into the kitchen.
"It's for mom," someone said and nodded to the couch.
Everyone moved and I saw her there. Long hair I had never seen before. I ran over and threw my arms around her. "I've missed you so much," I whispered to her. Tears streaming down my face. I heard a soft, barely there "I love you," and I woke up.

I'm Sorry

Some times, usually late at night, I get these overwhelming emotions that push me under if I don't let them out. Writing has always been the best way for me to express myself, so it's usually in the form of a poem or story. I've been pretty hesitant about posting anything super personal and what I call my "poetry" is exactly that. It's not the most beautiful or ground breaking, but it's very real and  extremely raw to me. Things I've kept inside for a long period of time.

I try not to have regrets, everything I've been through has led me to who the person I've become today. And I've worked damn hard to get where I am. But I have burned bridges and I have done things I regret. If I could go back, I'd do everything differently. I know I can't, so this is all I have.

 

 

 

I’m Sorry

For all of the broken promises

And the tears that shouldn’t have shed.

For all of the embarrassment

And the words that I never said.

 

 

For taking you for granted

And casting all the blame on you.

For becoming someone else

And not the girl that you knew.

 

For betraying your trust

And completely deleting our history.

For not being there for you

And transforming into a mystery.

 

I hope one day

You can remember a good time.

We had some adventures

And will always have “the climb”.

 

If you ever need me,

If something is too much to bear,

Just know I’m never too far,

I will always find a way to be there.

 

3/16/16

Woman Crush Wednesday

I've never participated in this whole "woman crush Wednesday" or "man crush Monday". I've always seen it as kind of stupid and just silly. But, after listening to the song "Girl Crush" by Little Big Town (yes, I listen to county music) several times, I'm beginning to look at it in a different light. The whole point of the song is highlighting the qualities the woman had that attracted the man the singer is interested in. Seeing it this way, I'm now motivated to write about the women in my life who have made an impact or inspired me in different ways. So many females just tear each other down, usually to make themselves feel better. I have been guilty of doing this myself, but I've been trying really hard not to compare myself to others and to do what I can to help build them up instead.

So, introducing my very first "Woman Crush Wednesday" (if I stop playing around and organize my thoughts to get this posted in the next two hours), Mariah Cassandra Baumgartle!

We used to be neighbors and once upon a time we were very close friends. Over the years we've been taken to opposite sides of the country, but this girl has never stopped amazing or inspiring me. Throughout high school, she was a pillar of positivity and a sweetheart to everyone. As we've grown into women, she's become a beacon of strength, has more artistic abilities in her pinky than I can ever dream of having, and a major advocate for self-acceptance. I get so excited every time I see a new endeavor she's pursuing. I know she's human and has anxieties just like the rest of us, but often times I find myself wondering how I could be a little more adventurous or fearless, like Mariah. I know I just said I'm trying not to compare myself to others, but with Mariah, it's always been different. She's always inspired me to become a better me, rather than just becoming more like her.

And I feel like those are the people that deserve recognition. She seeks out beauty in our world where others may never even think it exists. She's spunky and has always surprised me with some of the things she's said. (Throw back to a conversation in her room during high school, that won't be repeated here, but had us laughing so hard, her sweet grandma heard us from the living room and wanted to be a part of the fun, but neither of us had the heart, or guts, to repeat it.)

She reminds me that it's not ridiculous to have insanely big dreams and that I can achieve whatever I allow myself to. And this is all from afar, I can't imagine how inspiring her accomplishments and aspirations are to those she's in daily contact with.

I know she still has astonishing success ahead of her and will continue to light up the lives of those around her! I look forward to seeing all she achieves and continuing to cheer her on.

Random/Fun Stuff:
If sunshine and glitter had a baby, it'd be Mariah!
Our only major fight was when a boy I was interested in liked her.
She signed as a witness on my mom's will.
This girl has got an incredible smile!

Hello, again!

Many things have changed over the past few years. I've lived in 3 different states, made a TON of plans (most of which never happened), made even more mistakes (which I wish hadn't happened), and grew up a lot (which I'm grateful happened).

I'm back in southern Utah, something I said would NEVER happen, that if I ever came back to Utah, I would have to live in Salt Lake. And I did for, almost, two wonderful years. What made me come back down here? Love. I have an adorable niece (now almost a year and a half old) that I couldn't bear to be so far away from.

As far as work, I was set on working my way up the hotel chain. When I was in Salt Lake, I spent a lot of time, sweat and tears working insane hours in as many departments as possible. I wanted to be a central part of the hotel, I wanted them to NEED me. And they did. It was an incredibly hard decision to leave. But I left with the intent of working for my GM again, once he moved back to St. George himself. I just needed to find work to last until then....

That's what the plan was, at least. I didn't plan on finding something that I loved so much, that when I tried to return to hotels, it didn't even come close to stacking up.

I work at a residential treatment center for at-risk youth, from ages 12-18. I'm a "direct-care" staff for 12 girls on campus, Monday-Friday. In a lot of ways, I'm just seen as a babysitter and in the most general sense, I guess I am. But there's so much more to it than that, which will need it's own post, or several.

After completely neglecting this blog, for several years, I decided to get back into it. Even if only to have my memories and thoughts to look back on. We'll see how it goes this time around!